Noticing My Negative Habits And Patterns

The day before yesterday I got up late — my schedule is still re-adjusting after the trip to the west coast and getting maybe an hour of sleep on the redeye flight home. I had several things I wanted to do that day already, and more seemed to keep popping up. I had run out of yams the day before, a staple I eat every day, so had to get some, plus I needed a few more Christmas cards, plus my partner had used up the last roll of paper towels and not told me. I felt my adrenalin ramping up, seeing each of these situations as a crisis. I knew it was going to get dark very early, and I could feel the panic threatening to rise about being out after dark. And I hadn’t even run yet — oh no!

I decided to go shopping first, to 3 separate stores for a trip of a few hours, and then run afterward. I’ve run in the dark many times over the years and it’s not a problem, but for some reason driving after dark makes me very nervous. The whole time I was out in the stores I was aware that I had a cranky attitude, all the fat people in my way, taking their time like they had nothing else to do. I had a mission to accomplish! I can laugh about this driven go-go-go attitude now, but at the time, even though I recognized it, I couldn’t seem to turn it around. I got home exhausted from fighting Reality (what a waste of energy!), with a headache. I hadn’t been able to see as well as I usually can, straining somewhat, but again, I couldn’t seem to slow down enough to do anything different.

Once I got out running, nearly at dusk, wearing lots of clothes because it was pretty cold, I already felt better. I had to step carefully and watch out for the black ice on the pavement. I’ve noticed that since this “looking for details” theme started, I haven’t tripped when running or stepped in a hole, which I used to do a few times a month — I wasn’t looking! I realize now I had been taking that big visual gulp of my environment, not looking at the details of cracks or bumps in the pavement. As I ran I could feel myself starting to relax, enjoying looking at the details of the scenery passing by, the houses with Christmas lights, or bare stark trees.

When I was a child, my myopic mother was anxious and nervous, worried about everything. The few times I remember her taking off her glasses, she had that unseeing stare. Pictures of her holding me as an infant always have her wearing her glasses, so this is how I learned how to look. My calmer Dad would get frustrated with her having such a high stress level, especially since he couldn’t seem to do anything to help. He would say, exasperated, “L (her name), everything’s a crisis!”.  I soaked up this attitude too, along with her visual habits — this is just how I felt when I had so much to do 2 days ago that had to be done, and had to be done before sunset. Of course, this isn’t true. There is always plenty of time to do what really needs to be done, and I can see well enough. I want to catch it sooner when my anxiety starts ramping up, rather than just accepting it as normal (which it used to be). Then I can do something to turn it in a more healthy direction. I’ve written before about visual end-gaining, about rushing, and about Peter Grunwald’s teachings on avoiding visual “grabbing”. I clearly need more focus on softening this familiar pattern. I’m a work in progress!